Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
