I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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