I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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