I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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