Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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