I wish I could teleport
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
