New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
