So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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