He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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