you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
