He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
