So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
