you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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