T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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