I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
