yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
