she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
