why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
