I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
