as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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