Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
