Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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