She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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