weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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