nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
