you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
