the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
