I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
