need another drink. this is the easiest way
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
