After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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