We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
