I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
