I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
