she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
