I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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