i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I forget how to act sober
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