I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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