was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
