fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
