i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
