i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
