I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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