I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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