Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
