3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
