god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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