Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
