i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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