Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
