No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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