I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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