i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
