I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
