I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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