I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
