Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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