Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
