this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
