Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
